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Post by Hurricane » Nov Wed 09, 2005 10:46 am

:oops: :lol: :lol:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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GETTING OLD

Post by Bob » Nov Mon 14, 2005 9:33 pm

Getting Old

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him

fitted

for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

<><><><><><><>

Getting Old

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby." "Really!? Like a new-born baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

<><><><><><><>

Getting Old

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out

to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly. The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?


Getting Old

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."



Smile :) GOD Loves You
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Post by Hurricane » Nov Mon 14, 2005 9:39 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Those were good, Bob !! :wink:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Hurricane » Nov Wed 16, 2005 10:58 pm

A Masked Halloween Party


A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain; and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party after all. In as much as her husband didn't know what costume she'd be wearing, she thought she'd have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she wasn't around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every chick he could, getting a little kiss here and a warm squeeze there. His wife went up to him and being rather seductive herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to this new babe who had just arrived.

She let him do whatever he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and they did it all! Zowie! Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked how the evening had been? He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know, I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "You know, I didn't dance even one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But I'll tell you...from what I heard, the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!" :lol:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Max Headroom » Nov Sat 19, 2005 11:03 am

Mujibar

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.


The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."

"Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green- and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works in Tech Support for Dell Computers.

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Post by Bob » Nov Sat 19, 2005 2:00 pm

Hands and Knees


Walking into his favorite bar, Mike said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff
one. I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Fred. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really?? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chicken [expletive]."
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Post by Hurricane » Nov Sat 19, 2005 2:07 pm

Great minds run together !!:lol:

I just posted the same joke on the "Lighten Up" thread. :shock:

(Different names but the same)
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Bob » Nov Mon 21, 2005 7:49 am

A New York family of baseball supporters headed out one Saturday to shop for the youngest boy's birthday. While in the sports shop the son picks up a Red Sox jersey and says to his older sister: "I've decided to become a Red Sox fan and I would like this Boston jersey for my birthday." His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him upside his head and says, "Go talk to mother."

Off goes the little lad! with the jersey in hand and finds his mother: "Mom?" "Yes, son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan and I would like this jersey for my birthday." The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father!"

Off he goes with the Red Sox jersey in hand and finds his father: "Dad?" "Yes, son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan and I would like this jersey for my birthday." The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son in the back of his head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says: "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have." ! "Good son, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been a Red Sox fan for an hour and I already hate you Yankee bastards." :roll: :lol:
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VERY SAD NEWS

Post by Bob » Nov Tue 22, 2005 1:49 pm

VERY SAD NEWS There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington DC this year! :(

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. :roll:

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable. :lol:
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Post by Kurt Schluter » Nov Tue 22, 2005 9:31 pm

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first tells her friends, "MY son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him "Your Grace."

The third says, "MY son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called "Your Eminence."

The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle, "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is 6'2"...he has plenty of money...broad square shoulders... terribly handsome... dresses very well... tight muscular body... tight hard buns... and a very nice bulge... and whenever he walks into a room, women gasp, "Oh, my God."
Make America Great Again!
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Post by Kurt Schluter » Nov Tue 22, 2005 9:33 pm

Ski season is almost here!! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared:

1. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
2. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
3. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
4. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
5. Throw away a hundred dollar bill now.
6. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
7. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
8. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
9. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
10. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
11. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
12. Drive slowly for five hours anywhere as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
13. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
14. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
15. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
16. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!
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Thanksgiving Divorce

Post by Bob » Nov Wed 23, 2005 1:41 pm

Thanksgiving Divorce



A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving

and

says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother

and

I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.



"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.



We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, the father says.



"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you

call your sister in Chicago and tell her."



Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck

they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."



She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT

getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling

my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a

thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.



The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay" he says,

"they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way." :lol:
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Post by Bob » Nov Thu 24, 2005 10:43 pm

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for
his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and
says,

"OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of
these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have
the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it:
You are washed up and I am taking over.." The old rooster says, "I tell
you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever
wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young
rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just
to be fair, I will give you a head start."


The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the
farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.


He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The
farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when
he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he
blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and
says,
"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."
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Post by Bob » Nov Sat 26, 2005 10:46 am

The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING
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Smoking A Joint

Post by Bob » Nov Tue 29, 2005 2:18 pm

Smoking A Joint




A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?"


The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."


So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they smoke a few joints.


After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to the river to get a drink.


The lizard climbs down the tree and staggers over to the river to get a drink of water, but he is so stoned, he leans over too far and falls into the river.


A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side. Then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"


The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.


The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint.


The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"


The monkey looks down and says,


[expletive]........Dude! How much water did you drink?!"
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Post by Jackster » Nov Tue 29, 2005 4:06 pm

Living Will

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room
and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never
want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on
some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that
ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out
all of his beer.

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Post by Ms. Karaoke » Nov Tue 29, 2005 4:33 pm

Last week a woman entered a local pet shop with the intention of purchasing a talking bird. However, it seems a lot of people are going to receive talking parrots for Christmas this year, as the shopkeeper had sold her entire stock of speaking pets, except for one rather attractive Macaw. It turned out that this bird had lived in the local massage parlor prior to being sold to the pet-shop. Despite this the woman purchased the Macaw and took him home to show the family. As soon as she had the bird settled on a perch at her home he looked around and said, "Arrrk, new joint, new madam! Arrrk!" Later that day the woman's two daughters arrived home from high school. Upon seeing the teenagers the Macaw yelled: "Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls! Arrrk!" Then father came home from the office and when our feathered friend saw him the bird squawked: "Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls, same old customers. G'day Jimmy!"



Image



A preacher once had a pet parrot He took him to church every Sunday and the bird would help lead choir practice. The Parrot was a model pet most of the time, but he had some serious problems on the side. You see, he liked to f*** chickens. The preacher kept telling him to stop it or he would shave the bird's head. Well the parrot didn't listen and after several warnings the preacher got out the clippers and shaved the parrot's head. That Sunday in church, it was business as usual, the preacher was dividing the church members up for choir practice. "All you ladies, come over here," said the preacher, "and all you gentlemen, please stand over there." About this time, a bald man walked by in front of the bird, to which the parrot said, "And all you chicken f***ers over here beside me!"
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Post by Jackster » Nov Tue 29, 2005 4:40 pm

A woman goes to a psychologist, and they decide to start with a Rorschach test. She's shown the first picture and sees a man and a woman making love at the beach. In the second, a man and a woman making love in a hottub. The third has a man and a woman making love in a park. In all of the pictures, the woman sees a couple making love. After the test, the psychologist looks over his notes and says, "You seem to have a preoccupation with sex." The woman replies, "You're the one with the dirty pictures."

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Post by Hurricane » Dec Fri 02, 2005 6:02 pm

Two Test tickles for tickle me Elmo!


There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.
A new employee is hired at the factory and starts at 8.00am.
The next day at 8.45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to
rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow
and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line
behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so
the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are
Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded
by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,
wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little
package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes
of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday"......

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles". :oops: :lol: :lol:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Kurt Schluter » Dec Sat 03, 2005 4:58 pm

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, "Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday." :D
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Post by Kurt Schluter » Dec Sat 03, 2005 5:02 pm

Why a Christmas Tree is Better Than a Man

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.

2. Even small ones give satisfaction.

3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.

4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.

5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.

6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.

7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.

8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its "sell by" date.

9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.


Why Christmas Trees are Better Than Women

1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.

2. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.

3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.

4. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.

5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.

6. When you are done with a Christmas tree, you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.

7. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.

8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.

9. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.
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Post by Bob » Dec Sat 03, 2005 5:07 pm

THE YEAR'S BEST HEADLINES - 2005:

Crack Found On Governor's Daughter [Imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [ That'll stop 'em. ]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [What a pervert!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death [No-good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [Who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect homicide [They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges ! [You mean there's something stronger than duct ape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Do they taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
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Post by Bob » Dec Sat 03, 2005 5:39 pm

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He
immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to
the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out
a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you
suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest
idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know [expletive] :?
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[i]THE ANSWER IS MAYBE--AND THAT IS FINAL![/i]

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Post by Hurricane » Dec Tue 06, 2005 8:37 pm

PEST CONTROL

A woman was having a passionate affair with an
inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon
they were carrying on in the bedroom together
when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!"
and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after
a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,"
the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little bastards." :shock:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Bob » Dec Tue 06, 2005 9:09 pm

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[i]THE ANSWER IS MAYBE--AND THAT IS FINAL![/i]

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Post by Jackster » Dec Fri 09, 2005 8:43 pm

TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN USING THE "F' WORD WAS APPROPRIATE

#10 -- "Scattered F___ing showers, my ass!" - Noah 4314 BC
# 9 - "How the f___did you work that out?" Pythagorus, 126 BC
# 8 - "You want THAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1568
# 7 - "Where did all those f__ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
# 6 - "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
# 5 - "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
# 4 - "Any f___ing idiot could understand that!" - Einstein, 1938
# 3 - "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945
# 2 - "I need this parade like I need a f___ing hole in my head!" - JFK.1963
# 1 - "Aw c'mon, who the f___ is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 1997

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Post by JK's » Dec Fri 09, 2005 9:27 pm

How do you spell: ICUP

:oops: :oops: :lol: :lol:

Sorry, sorry, I know it was pitiful, but my son told it to me today and I thought it was cute. :wink:

JK

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Post by CITIZEN923 » Dec Tue 13, 2005 12:15 pm

Subject: Beware of the parrot


Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to
go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under
the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But,
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I
REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just
as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman
go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
CITIZEN923
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Post by Fergudi » Dec Tue 13, 2005 12:20 pm

NO, IT CAN'T BE
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT
OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND
THINKING, "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?"
WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY
FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW
DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH
BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME,
DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME
NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME
40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE
BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON,
WAY BACK THEN??

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY
DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS
BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY
LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO
HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. HMMM ...OR COULD HE???
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM
IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.

"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED
WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, "IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?"
"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED SON-OF-A-BITCH
ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

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Post by CITIZEN923 » Dec Sun 18, 2005 3:03 am

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
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Aristotle

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Post by Bob » Dec Sun 18, 2005 4:35 pm

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
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[i]THE ANSWER IS MAYBE--AND THAT IS FINAL![/i]

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Post by Bob » Dec Wed 21, 2005 9:01 am

The Marine And The Insurgent:
A U.S Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was that heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife, scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunken murderer.

So I yelled that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited woman!", and he retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so does Hillary Clinton!"

"And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
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[i]THE ANSWER IS MAYBE--AND THAT IS FINAL![/i]

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Post by CITIZEN923 » Dec Thu 22, 2005 8:26 pm

Sh*t, I missed!
There's a man and a priest playing golf. (Don't ask me why).
The man aims and shoots the ball, and it goes way astray, landing in a pond.
-Sh*t, I missed! - the man says.
-Don't you curse, young one, or else God will punish you! - adverts the priest.
Time goes on and the man keeps playing. As he is some yards from the hole he aims and shoots, and there goes the golf ball again, into the sky.
-Sh*t, I missed! - screams the man.
-I'm warning you, do not curse or God will punish you! - the priest warns again.
-Okay, I won't.
But eventually the man came to miss the hole again by a few inches only, and this time he screams loudly to the sky:
-F**k! Shi*! Dam* that hole!
Dark clouds appear in the sky, as the wrath of God was unfolding. From the clouds a lighting comes, hitting the priest, thus killing him. Then, from way up, a voice is heard:
-Sh*t, I missed!
CITIZEN923
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LETTER FROM SANTA

Post by Bob » Dec Thu 22, 2005 10:13 pm

LETTER FROM SANTA

To: You
From: Santa

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you

have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at

Christmas. I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a

little problem.



The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies

dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers

piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming. The 6 geese

a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree

have me up to my sled runners in bird [expletive].



On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the

elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have

scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.


Maybe next year I will be able to get my [expletive] together and bring you the things you want.


This year I suggest you get your ass down to Wal-Mart before everything is gone!



As for me, I think I will hang around the computer and look a porn until I feel like doing

something else.



Santa
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[i]THE ANSWER IS MAYBE--AND THAT IS FINAL![/i]

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Post by Hurricane » Dec Thu 22, 2005 10:21 pm

:shock:

:lol: :lol:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Bob » Dec Sun 25, 2005 3:19 pm

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where
they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,"Ewww what's wrong with your feet?
Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they
continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked.
"They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only
affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the
undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess .

Smallcox?
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[i]THE ANSWER IS MAYBE--AND THAT IS FINAL![/i]

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Post by Big Al » Dec Tue 27, 2005 4:20 am

Subject: early warning message!

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click here:

http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

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Post by Hurricane » Dec Tue 27, 2005 12:18 pm

After 9 beers.... he may even look good !! :P :lol: :lol:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Big Al » Dec Sat 31, 2005 1:27 am

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died
and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've
been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your
reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.

"Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said,"I want to hang
out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a
road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me,
but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major!
design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "Hold on."

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it, "Well, it
may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but
according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than
yours."

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Post by Hurricane » Dec Sat 31, 2005 1:51 am

Gotcha, Arthur !! :lol:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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