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Hurricane
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Post by Hurricane » Jun Sun 26, 2005 3:24 pm

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said, "Pardon me miss, do you happen to have the time?"

In a strident voice, she responded, "How dare you make such a proposition to me!" :shock:

The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortably aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned to his direction. He mumbled, "I just asked for the time, miss." :?

In an even louder voice, the woman shrieked, "I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!"

Grabbing his drink and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door. :oops:

Not more than half a minute later, the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said, "I'm terribly sorry to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychologist and I am studying the reaction of human beings to shocking statements." :wink:

The man stared at her for five seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed, "YOU'D DO ALL THAT FOR ME ALL NIGHT LONG FOR JUST TWO DOLLARS? WHAT'S THAT?..... AND YOU'D DO IT TO EVERY GUY IN THIS BAR FOR ANOTHER TEN DOLLARS?!?!"

(Pay back is sweet !! ) :lol:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Bob » Jul Sun 03, 2005 7:41 pm

DENTIST VISIT

The pretty young lady was having a tooth pulled. The dentist gave her the usual "This won't hurt a bit" routine as he bent forward to begin.

He immediately drew back in complete alarm. "Miss," he said in a barely audible whisper, "You have hold of my testicles!" :shock:

"Yes, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each other, are we?" :lol:


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Post by Hurricane » Jul Sun 03, 2005 7:46 pm

Bob... that's called "insurance" !! :lol:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Bob » Jul Sun 03, 2005 8:06 pm

Hurricane wrote:Bob... that's called "insurance" !! :lol:
:oops: Got that right :!: :lol: :lol:
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[i]THE ANSWER IS MAYBE--AND THAT IS FINAL![/i]

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Post by Hurricane » Jul Sun 03, 2005 9:22 pm

An 80 year woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six months
together, the woman wasn't feeling well and she went to her doctor.

The doctor examined and said, "Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you're going
to be a mother."

"Get serious doctor, I'm 80." :shock:

"I know," said the doctor, "This morning, I would have said it was
impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle."

"I'll be darned," she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked
down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a
rage, she dialed her husband.

"Hello" she heard in his familiar halting voice.

She screamed, "You rotten SOB. You got me pregnant!"

There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered, "Who's
calling please?." :oops: :?
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Max » Jul Wed 06, 2005 8:40 am

The blonde went out to play a round of golf. After a short time she came running back to the Pro Shop and yelled, "I've just been stung by a bee!"

"Where were you stung?", asked the Pro.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

After thinking a bit, the Pro said, "That's the problem. Your stance is too wide."

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Post by Hurricane » Jul Wed 06, 2005 12:36 pm

Strange but true....

The Farside Comes To Life In Oregon

I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all on videotape. The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which sent a
reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton dead whale that
washed up on the beach. The responsibility for getting rid of the carcass
was placed on the Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on the theory that highways and whales are very similar in the sense of being large objects.

So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan--remember, I am not
making this up--of blowing up the whale with dynamite. The thinking is that the whale would be blown into small pieces, which would be eaten by
seagulls, and that would be that. A textbook whale removal.

So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of
dynamite next to the whale and set it off. I am probably not guilty of
understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is the most wonderful event in the history of the universe. First you see the whale carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame. Then you hear the happy spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!" Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone changes. You hear a new sound like "splud." You hear a woman's voice shouting "Here come pieces of...MY GOD!" Something smears the camera lens.

Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber fell
everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car parked more than a
quarter of a mile away. Remaining on the beach were several rotting whale sectors the size of condominium units. There was no sign of the seagulls who had no doubt permanently relocated to Brazil.

This is a very sobering videotape. Here at the institute we watch it
often, especially at parties. But this is no time for gaiety. This is a time to get hold of the folks at the Oregon State Highway Division and ask them, when they get done cleaning up the beaches, to give us an estimate on
the US Capitol.

Tom Mahoney, #9, Coast Guard Sqn.1/Div.13 CatLo
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Harold Stinkies » Jul Wed 06, 2005 1:25 pm

A guy walks into a bar and says....


ouch.
A Little to the Right

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Post by Kurt Schluter » Jul Wed 06, 2005 9:05 pm

That whale story reminds me of the episode of "WKRP in Cincinatti" when they threw the live turkeys out of the helicopter in a marketing stunt and Les said "As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!" :)
Make America Great Again!
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Post by Jimmy Mac » Jul Thu 07, 2005 2:34 pm

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beers and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

dtpfv1.0

Post by dtpfv1.0 » Jul Thu 07, 2005 2:38 pm

Mr. Bones walks into a bar and orders a beer, and a mop.

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Post by Hurricane » Jul Thu 07, 2005 2:42 pm

Oh my God, I lost my coffee over that one, Jimmy Mac. :lol: :lol:
Smart guy.... quick thinking. :wink:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Jimmy Mac » Jul Thu 07, 2005 3:00 pm

Hurricane, I owe you a coffee :lol:

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Post by Bob » Jul Thu 07, 2005 8:39 pm

Short Ones :roll:

1. Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

2. A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine"

3. "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

4. A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

5. An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

6. Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

7. A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

8. Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

9. The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.

10. This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

11. Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

12. A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say?" asked the nurse. "OOPS!"

13. While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

14. Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say '[expletive]' afterwards."

15. The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

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Post by Hurricane » Jul Thu 07, 2005 9:33 pm

5. An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

:shock: Did Clipper say that ???? :lol:
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Post by Bob » Jul Thu 07, 2005 9:55 pm

Science class
>
>
>
>
> Middle school science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her
> class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times
> its size when stimulated?"
>
> No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry,
> and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a
> question like that! I'm going to tell my parents,
> and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll
> get fired!" She then sat back down.
>
> Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question
> again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its
> size when stimulated?"Little Mary's mouth fell open,
> and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna
> get in big trouble!
>
> The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the
> class "Anybody?"
>
>! ; Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously,
> and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times
> its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
>
> Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy." Then turned to
> Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have
> three things to say:
>
> "First, you have a dirty mind. Second, you didn't
> read your homework. And third, one day you are going
> to be VERY, VERY disappointed."
:twisted:
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Post by Hurricane » Jul Thu 07, 2005 10:39 pm

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!" :shock:

"Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says the wife, "I want a divorce." :evil:

"Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband. "OURS is much better looking." says the wife. :D
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Bob » Jul Fri 08, 2005 8:08 am

CHINESE PROVERBS :twisted:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch behind should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who toot in church sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator smell different to midget

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Now send it to 10 or more people.

Nothing will happen but 10 people laughing :lol: :lol: :roll:
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Post by Max » Jul Fri 08, 2005 5:03 pm

One day, a Captain went to the main officers club to eat lunch.   When he entered the main dining room, he found the place was quite crowded.   He did notice three lieutenants sitting at a table with one empty chair, so he asked them if he could sit there, and they promptly invited him to join them.   He ordered his lunch and joined them in conversation as they ate.

At one point, the Captain mentioned that he had observed characteristics about officers from which he could determine the sources of their commissioning.   The Lieutenants were eager to hear about this and asked if he could tell how they had been commissioned.

The Captain turned to the Lieutenant on his left and said he went through ROTC.   The Lieutenant confirmed that was correct and asked how the Captain had noted this.   The Captain replied that the Lieutenant, through his conversation, seemed to have an strong academic background and limited military experience.

The Captain then told the Lieutenant on his right that he had gone through OCS with previous enlisted service.   The Lieutenant confirmed that this was correct and also asked how the Captain had determined this.   The Captain said, again through his conversation, that the Lieutenant seemed to have a firm military background and a lot of common sense.

The Lieutenant across the table from the Captain asked if he had determined his source of commission.   The captain replied that the Lieutenant had graduated from West Point.   The Lieutenant stated that was correct and asked if the Captain had noticed his high level of intelligence, precise military bearing, or other superior qualities acquired at the United States Military Academy.

  The Captain replied that it was none of these that led to his determination.   The Captain had simply noted the Lieutenant's class ring while he was picking his nose.

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Post by Hurricane » Jul Fri 08, 2005 5:11 pm

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter says, "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to, to sneak in. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to Heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George." :roll: :lol:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Bob » Jul Sat 09, 2005 8:13 pm

Russian condom shortage

George Bush received a call from Russian President Putin. He says to Bush, "Our largest condom factory has exploded. My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied President Bush.

"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.

"Yes?" said Bush.

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 2" in diameter?" said Putin.

"No problem," replied the President.

Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for any thing.

George Bush hung up and called the CEO of a condom company. "I need a favor. Can you send 1,000,000 cond! oms right away over to Russia?"

"Consider it done," replied the CEO of the condom company.

"Good! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 2" in diameter."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE: SMALL' on each one!!!"

:lol:
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Post by dtpfv1.0 » Jul Sat 09, 2005 10:46 pm

Ha! Take that President Putin!

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Post by Bob » Jul Mon 11, 2005 8:31 pm

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father would die,
Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles
bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just
a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Charles, and in four days she became his
stepmother. :cry:

....Men will never learn. :oops:
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Post by Bob » Jul Wed 13, 2005 6:58 pm

This is cute

There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
The past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.



SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man
with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!
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[i]THE ANSWER IS MAYBE--AND THAT IS FINAL![/i]

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Post by Hurricane » Jul Wed 13, 2005 7:05 pm

:oops:

"Hail Mary"

Hail, Mary, full of grace! The Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy, Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen

Hail, Mary, full of grace! The Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy, Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Am I forgiven? :oops:
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Post by nancyann35 » Jul Wed 13, 2005 8:19 pm

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."
"But we's privates," protests Jasper.
"We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.
"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."
"But we's privates," says Jasper.
"You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."
So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."
Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.
"Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?"
"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"
WHAT IS SCARY IS NOT WHAT GOES BUMP I THE NIGHT, BUT WHISPERS AT MIDDAY

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Post by spell checker » Jul Thu 14, 2005 10:04 am

An old saying: Raise your right hand if you like the French.... Raise both hands if you are French.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

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Post by Hurricane » Jul Thu 14, 2005 10:10 am

There was once a hillbilly who was extremely sad with life because people always made fun of him. He decided to do something about it. He sat back and thought about it.

Suddenly he thought - "I have never seen anyone making fun of Italians. So, if I start talking and behaving like them, no one will be able to make out that I am a hillbilly and make fun of me."

He went into isolation for three months and after a lot of practice, he walked confidently into a shop and said, "I am a very hungry. Give me some pepperoni and zucchini."

Immediately, the man behind the counter said "Are you a hillbilly?" This guy was taken aback and he repeated his request. The man behind the counter said, "Are you a hillbilly or not?"

This man was finally very ashamed and amazed at the shop owner's discerning ability and so he admitted to the fact after which he asked, "But how did you know?"

The shopkeeper replied, "This is a hardware store!" :oops:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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An Atheist and a Bear

Post by Jimmy Mac » Jul Thu 14, 2005 1:00 pm

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

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Post by nancyann35 » Jul Thu 14, 2005 1:56 pm

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while

they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly

jumped into the deep end.



He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly

jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.



When the director of nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she

considered her to be mentally stable.



When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news

and bad news.



The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to

rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of

another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.



The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his

bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am

sorry, but he's dead."



Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How

soon can I go home?" :twisted: :twisted:
WHAT IS SCARY IS NOT WHAT GOES BUMP I THE NIGHT, BUT WHISPERS AT MIDDAY

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Post by Orion » Jul Fri 15, 2005 12:38 pm

Four blondes went to the bar in their pick-up. Three sat up in the cab and one sat in the bed of the truck. The three blondes were in the bar for about an hour before the fourth finally came in, looking frustrated. They asked, 'What took you so long?' She responded, 'Well, I had trouble getting the tail gate open!'

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Post by Jimmy Mac » Jul Fri 15, 2005 1:11 pm

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says: "Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. You've had too good of a life, so now you can't come in here."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer is dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there are speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls up Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room. There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there! Send him back up here, now."

Satan shouts back, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right... and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"

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Post by Hurricane » Jul Sun 17, 2005 12:55 am

A police officer had just pulled over a car full of nuns for going too slow on a major highway.

Police officer: "Why were you driving so SLOWLY?"

Nun driver: "I kept seeing all these signs with the NUMBER 20 on them and figured that was the SPEED LIMIT."

Police officer: "No, Sister, that is the HIGHWAY NUMBER."

Nun: "Oh, I'm so sorry, Officer, I didn't know that."

Then the police officer looks into the back seat and sees that the nuns there have panic-stricken faces and white knuckles from holding on to each other too tightly.

Police officer: "What's wrong with the nuns in the back seat?"

Nun: "Oh, we just got off HIGHWAY 166 a few miles ago." :shock:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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The Wish

Post by Max » Jul Fri 22, 2005 8:39 pm

After several weeks at sea, a Naval vessel finally moors for some long overdue liberty and as is customary, every sailor aboard hit shore like starving lions with a pocket full of pay. After a week of liberty, a Third Class Petty Officer (PO3-E4) returns to base with his last few dollars and decides to stop at the enlisted mans club for one last beer before returning to the ship broke.

As he approaches the bartender, the PO3 notices a one-foot tall man on the bar playing brilliantly on a comparable sized piano. The young sailor asks the bartender, "Where the hell did you find this little ivory pounder anyway?"

The barkeep replies "Oh, a Marine Corporal stopped in on his way back to the States from Iraq and talked me into buying a magic lamp he found. The only problem is the Genie inside is hard of hearing and will only grant one wish so I made my wish and tossed the lamp out back in the dumpster."

The Petty Officer asks, "Do you mind if I get the lamp and give it a try?"

The bartender replies, "I don't recommend it, but you do what you want."

The PO3 goes back to the dumpster, finds the lamp, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

The Genie says "For freeing me from the lamp I will grant you one wish."

The PO3 says, "I wish for a million bucks!" Suddenly overhead the sky darkens and the air is filled with deafening flapping and quacking sounds as a million ducks circle looking for a place to land.

The PO3 goes back into the bar disappointed and says to the bartender, "you weren't kidding about that Genie. I wished for a million bucks and instead got a million ducks!"

The bartender replied, "Well, you don't really think I wished for a 12 inch Pianist, do you?

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Post by Hurricane » Jul Sat 23, 2005 6:50 pm

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.

He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. :shock:

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.

He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked. :?

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!" 8)
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Bob » Jul Sat 23, 2005 7:05 pm

Grandma's birth control





The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she has a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Cohen, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Cohen, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these pills that could possibly help you sleep!" :?

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.

"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks... And believe me ...it helps me sleep at night!" :lol:
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[i]THE ANSWER IS MAYBE--AND THAT IS FINAL![/i]

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Post by Hurricane » Jul Sat 23, 2005 7:15 pm

One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard's idiot brother Bill arrived to watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing above him.

"Mr. Phillard," the doctor said, "you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious and your wife was still under anaesthesia, she requested that your brother Bill name the kids."

"What! My brother, the idiot! I can't believe you let him! What did he name them?"

"He named your daughter Denise."

"Hey, not bad! I underestimated my brother. What did he name my son?"

"He named your son Denephew." :roll:
(De-neice and De-nephew)
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Bob » Jul Sun 24, 2005 9:49 pm

A Russian woman married an English gentleman and they lived happily ever after in London. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken And lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs. :wink:

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts. :wink:

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, :? she brought her husband to the store...



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What were you thinking? :shock:

Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! :lol:

Now get back to work... :lol:
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[i]THE ANSWER IS MAYBE--AND THAT IS FINAL![/i]

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Post by Hurricane » Jul Sun 24, 2005 9:56 pm

:oops: There goes my coffee :roll:

Although... before I read about her getting her husband...
I thought she was going to reach for the Butcher's sausage. :oops: :lol:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Hurricane » Jul Sun 24, 2005 10:46 pm

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.

He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bull's-eyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a SMALL, LIVE TURTLE. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.

An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bull's-eyes and was given another turtle.

Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored threebull's-eyes . But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.

"That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"

The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.

"Yes, sir!" he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"

"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those LITTLE CRUSTY MEAT PIES." :o
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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